is BPD learned or hereditary?

i don't really know the answer to this. i'm sure there's some big medical explanation on one of the bpd websites. however, i'm beginning to think that it may be learned. a lot of people in my life have abandoned me over the years, so maybe i have learned that it doesn't matter who you are, you will eventually abandon me. is this why i am so worried that my boyfriend will eventually abandon me and i will never hear from him again? every time he steps out the door i become completely scared that he will leave and i will never see him again because he will realize that he doesn't actually love me. even if he says he will be back later i never believe him. i guess my ultimate fear is being alone. nobody wants to be alone i guess. but i feel like i would not be able to function if i was alone.

having a good run..for now

i haven't written in a few days because i am having a good run of good days :) this doesn't happen too often so i'm happy..kind of. deep down i'm still upset about many things in my life, but for right now i'm forgetting about that and going with this high that i am on. when i'm in a good mood, i get a lot of things done. but if i stop for a second to have a chance to stop and think, i realize how incredibly lonely i am. i am able to mask that for now and continue on, but it's only a matter of time until my world comes crashing down once again...

relationship ramblings

i have never known someone else who had bpd..well, not someone who i regonized as bpd or admitted it. i guess it would be pretty hard to recognize someone else as bpd when most bpds wear the mask to cover up those characteristics. i wish i knew someone else with it, so we could relate and discuss. how would two bpds get along? maybe it wouldn't work.. what about in a love relationship? would it be easier to have two bpds in a relationship because that way each person knows what the other person is going through and there is no guesswork? maybe it would have the opposite effect and be a relationship full of negativity and rage. sometimes i think i would like to find another bpd to have a relationship with. so far none of my relationships have worked out and it all goes back to one aspect - bpd. maybe i need to have a different approach and tell the person earlier on in the relationship. but would that scare them away? is it even possible to have any relationship as a person with bpd? i know i am rambling in this post and it probably doesn't make much sense. but right now i don't seem to make much sense. i just wish there was an answer to everything.

nobody cares

nobody cares. nobody would care if i dropped off this earth. i feel like curling up in a ball and dying. i am so tired of wearing my mask and pretending that everything is ok because it's not!!! everyone abandons me at some point. there is no one to turn to anymore. i am alone in this world. they say if you can count the number of friends you have on one hand then you are lucky. well i need no hands because i have no friends. they all abandon you when they find something better. it is the hardest thing to find true friends. and if you have them, hang on to them. there is nothing i would want more in this life than to have one real true friend again. but who would want to be friends with me?

nauseous

i hadn't eaten a real meal or barely anything in a few days. i wasn't feeling very active or hungry. today i actually got out of the house and in turn i ate a real meal. now i'm feeling so nauseous. all i want to do now is lay in bed and go to sleep, which really goes against my whole "productive" day of getting out of the house. i actually hate having a productive day because then the next day is always so horrible. i can only be productive for so long and then the desire is gone. i am not looking forward to tomorrow because i know it will be a day full of sleep and nothingness.

quick post

i had a horrible day yesterday and spent most of it in bed, which is the reason for the lack of updates. i am actually going to do some work today..hopefully. so we will see how that goes. i will check in later and explain my horrible day.

p.s. - Girl, Interrupted was a good movie, but does not really portray BPD the way we see it today. but nonetheless, still a good movie to watch. i also watched Thirteen, which i have already seen before. it deals with a dysfunctional family with a very troubled teenager. not a very high-budget film, but i think it's decent to watch.

comments

please, don't forget to leave your comments! i would love to know your opinions, thoughts, feelings on my own posts or even your own situations.

i have decided to watch Girl, Interrupted today, which i have never seen before. it supposedly covers BPD in the 1960s, which is different from the way it is defined today. i will leave my comments when i am done watching.