relationship ramblings

i have never known someone else who had bpd..well, not someone who i regonized as bpd or admitted it. i guess it would be pretty hard to recognize someone else as bpd when most bpds wear the mask to cover up those characteristics. i wish i knew someone else with it, so we could relate and discuss. how would two bpds get along? maybe it wouldn't work.. what about in a love relationship? would it be easier to have two bpds in a relationship because that way each person knows what the other person is going through and there is no guesswork? maybe it would have the opposite effect and be a relationship full of negativity and rage. sometimes i think i would like to find another bpd to have a relationship with. so far none of my relationships have worked out and it all goes back to one aspect - bpd. maybe i need to have a different approach and tell the person earlier on in the relationship. but would that scare them away? is it even possible to have any relationship as a person with bpd? i know i am rambling in this post and it probably doesn't make much sense. but right now i don't seem to make much sense. i just wish there was an answer to everything.

nobody cares

nobody cares. nobody would care if i dropped off this earth. i feel like curling up in a ball and dying. i am so tired of wearing my mask and pretending that everything is ok because it's not!!! everyone abandons me at some point. there is no one to turn to anymore. i am alone in this world. they say if you can count the number of friends you have on one hand then you are lucky. well i need no hands because i have no friends. they all abandon you when they find something better. it is the hardest thing to find true friends. and if you have them, hang on to them. there is nothing i would want more in this life than to have one real true friend again. but who would want to be friends with me?

nauseous

i hadn't eaten a real meal or barely anything in a few days. i wasn't feeling very active or hungry. today i actually got out of the house and in turn i ate a real meal. now i'm feeling so nauseous. all i want to do now is lay in bed and go to sleep, which really goes against my whole "productive" day of getting out of the house. i actually hate having a productive day because then the next day is always so horrible. i can only be productive for so long and then the desire is gone. i am not looking forward to tomorrow because i know it will be a day full of sleep and nothingness.

quick post

i had a horrible day yesterday and spent most of it in bed, which is the reason for the lack of updates. i am actually going to do some work today..hopefully. so we will see how that goes. i will check in later and explain my horrible day.

p.s. - Girl, Interrupted was a good movie, but does not really portray BPD the way we see it today. but nonetheless, still a good movie to watch. i also watched Thirteen, which i have already seen before. it deals with a dysfunctional family with a very troubled teenager. not a very high-budget film, but i think it's decent to watch.

comments

please, don't forget to leave your comments! i would love to know your opinions, thoughts, feelings on my own posts or even your own situations.

i have decided to watch Girl, Interrupted today, which i have never seen before. it supposedly covers BPD in the 1960s, which is different from the way it is defined today. i will leave my comments when i am done watching.

who's to blame?

i visit a lot of BPD forums and the topics i like to read the most involve BPD and relationships. a lot of the time girls tend to say "why do i treat my boyfriend so badly?" i began to think that maybe, just maybe, it is not always our fault. why does the person with BPD have to be blamed? is it not possible that sometimes the boyfriend is just a douchebag?! is it not possible that if the boyfriend is aware of the BPD he might use it to his advantage? maybe i'm just being biased because of the situation i'm in with my boyfriend at the moment, but i really think that this theory could be true. we need to stop blaming ourselves for everything. we need to stop thinking that because we have BPD, everything that goes wrong is because of the BPD. there are other factors in life. and i think we also have to realize, it is not our fault that we have BPD. and any significant other should realize that as well.

when you wear the mask, who are you?

99% of the time i am wearing the mask. i am fooling the people around me. i am parading around as someone i am not. and i think i do a pretty good job of it. the only time the mask comes off is in a rage when i start blurting out all my secret feelings. the only person who has witnessed a rage is my current boyfriend. only he knows the true me. and how do i feel about that? not good.

when i wear the mask, i want to be someone i'm not. i want everyone to like me. i want everyone to want to be my friend. i want to be having fun at all times. i want to look good. i want to be viewed as a person you want to be around.

when the mask comes off, i don't care. i don't care about anything or anyone. i don't care what i look like. i don't care if anyone likes me. i don't care what happens.

but in reality, i do care. i do care and i don't. i don't even know how to explain it. but this is how i feel. sometimes i feel it is easier not to care, to only have to worry about yourself. but how can you live like that?

perseverance

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak."

decoding dreams

when i sleep, i always dream. when i wake up, the first thing i do is go to my laptop and look up the meaning of my dreams. the online dream dictionary i use is at Dream Moods: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/ . sometimes the meanings can be a bit vague and repetitive, but hey, it's free. however, most of the time i find myself thinking aha, that's so true. one of my most frequent dreams involves public washrooms. in the dream, i'm usually looking for a public washroom to use, but i can't find one; they are out of order; too dirty to use; or stalls aren't big enough, etc. i looked up this dream on Dream Moods and this was the interpretation:

"...suggests that you need to let go of some relationship that has ran its course. The notion that you dream of bathroom stalls, which are often found in public, further indicate that you are concerned about how others might feel and how others will perceive and judge you. You are feeling ashamed and fear that the situation might get messy should you make your feelings known. You don't want to cause trouble and as a result keep things inside. Your emotions have been pent up for too long and hence the dreams recur until they are released or acknowledged."

i think this pretty much sums it up, yes. so maybe my relationship has ran its course. maybe my boyfriend ignores me as a way to relay that message. maybe he is waiting for me to end it. if that's the case, i don't like that he has all the power. and why does he want it to end? because he doesn't understand my situation? will anyone ever understand? and how do i find this person that will? all i want is someone to understand and be there for me.

swirling

i tried to shut it down for the night, but as i was laying in bed my head was swirling with new topics to write about. see what i mean about my obsessions? blogging definitely is my new obsession. even though i have a super headache, which is making me nauseous. i cannot go to sleep yet. this is my outlet.

my boyfriend is currently ignoring me. phone calls, texts..going unanswered. but the strange thing is i'm not going into any type of rage! it's boggling my mind. i think perhaps my newfound blogging as taken priority over him. if that's the case, i will blog forever to keep my rage at bay. even though i do know that eventually, my blogging obsession will wear off and my obsession as to why he is ignoring me will gain priority.

i just don't understand how you can ignore someone you supposedly "love". if he can't deal with my issues, then he should leave me. i don't want to be kept dangling from a string wondering if he is ever going to take an interest in helping me or break it off and forget about me. if he leaves, i will find someone else to fill his spot. i always do. although this time is different. i love him much more than the others. but how can you continue to love someone who ignores you? after awhile you probably can't. hopefully soon he will realize how inconsiderate he is for ignoring me and maybe, just maybe, he will begin to understand my issues.

bedtime

if you're like me, anytime is bedtime. being in bed means i am safe. i don't have to deal with the issues and people around me and i definitely don't have to deal with BPD. i like to go completely under the covers so i cannot see anything around me. i am invisible and no one can see or hurt me. sometimes i go days without leaving my bed. nobody seems to notice. my body gets sore and after awhile i can't take it anymore. i need out and i get one of my "urges" to do something different. that will get me out of bed, but you better believe that i will be right back there soon enough. along with sleep comes "illness". i put illness in quotations because i don't believe i am actually sick. i think i make myself "sick" at times, in order to escape the world. i know that i use the sick card to answer any questions about my day to day life. a lot of the time i skip out on any events i may be invited to (there aren't many). saying "you're sick" is a good excuse these days because nobody wants to catch any kind of illness you may have. sometimes people will catch on and say "you're sick a lot.." and then i just want to say "f*ck off and mind your own business".

hating

i use the word hate on a regular basis. my mother always told me that "hate" is not a nice word. but it's true. i hate a lot of things and a lot of people. i think that's a sad thought, but it's true. there's not many people i don't hate. i think it stems from my trust issues with people. i don't trust anyone. people are just out to screw you over in some way. it has happened to me many, many times. i think i'd rather be alone than be screwed over. i have told every single one of my boyfriends at one point that i hated them, even though i'm pretty sure i didn't actually feel that way. i told my current boyfriend that i hated him a few days ago. it just so happens that i hate you are the three little words that come out of my mouth when i am enraged. biting my tongue is absolutely imposssible during a rage moment and if it isn't possible to vocalize the i hate you, it will come in the form of text message, instant message, e-mail, or voicemail. i am mad and i hate you and you WILL hear about it.

addictive behaviour

i go through addictions and obsessions like crazy. although, i have to admit, they are never really harmful. in fact, they tend to be quite harmless. for example, presently, i am having a slight blog addiction. blogging is something new to me and i am addicied for the moment. i know it may wear off soon, as so many of my addictions and obsessions do. awhile ago, i was obsessing about getting a tattoo. had one picked out, all ready to go. then the notion was gone. other addictions and obsessions that may pop up often involve food, cleaning, and ambitious ideas. i often find myself obsessing about a certain food for about a week at a time, then it's over. or all of a sudden i'll have an urge to learn to cook new fancy meals. i'm not much of a clean freak (my house is still generally clean, don't worry), but at times i will get sudden urges to do a major clean and rearrange a lot of the rooms in my house. this urge lasts usually a day and if i do not complete the clean and redecoration project that day, it will stay undone for weeks until i get the urge again. i also often get sudden ambitious urges. i do have a successful career, but sometimes i have urges to expand and be better or do side projects. i will research ideas on the internet and make notes. then, just as fast as it came, the urge flies out the window. these obsessions that swirl in and out of my brain are exhausting and disappointing at times.

what BPD feels like

this made me cry because it is so true...



RAGE

i cannot believe how enraged i can get at the snap of a finger. the littlest thing can completely set me off. it's like something clicks inside of me and all of a sudden i'm the maddest i can be. i feel like i'm being suffocated and i can't breathe. my hands turn to fists and my nails are digging into my palms. i begin to sweat and overheat. tears come pouring down my face and my eyes become so swollen i can barely see. when this happens, all i want to do is curl up and die. my boyfriend has witnessed this reaction before. he doesn't know how to deal with it, so he just leaves. little does he know that leaving just makes the rage worse. as soon as he walks out that door i am ten times more enraged than i was a minute ago. i don't know what to do with myself or how to calm myself down. i have no one to talk to. i tend to chant to myself "i just want to die" as i usually lie on the floor trying to get grounded. at times i will end up passing out from all the commotion. other times, i will take pills to make myself drowsy and fall asleep so i do not have to live with the pain of the moment. things always seem to be better when sleeping and you wake up feeling better..until the next downfall.

the dreaded cellular phone

cell phones, texting, voicemail - i hate it all. there's nothing worse than calling someone and hearing the voicemail come on. if it goes straight to voicemail, you know the phone is probably turned off. then you start to think, why is it off? it's never off! and your mind starts racing and fabricating elaborate stories as to why this person's cell phone could possibly be turned off. if the phone rings multiple times and then goes to voicemail, the problem is usually worse. you know the phone is on and the person is not picking up for some reason. are they avoiding you? ignoring you? why do they not want to know what you want? do they not think it could be an emergency? my boyfriend likes not answering his cell phone a lot. "i didn't see your call", "i didn't get your text" are answers i frequently hear days later. i'm thinking what are you talking about! of course you did!! then the rage begins to build up. how did he not get my call or text when his phone barely ever leaves his sight?! whenever he is here, he is constantly texting, so how is it that he never got my text?! it just doesn't make any sense. my next question is why is he ignoring me? and then who is he talking to instead? i wonder, is this a BPD issue or just a jealousy/trust issue? the worst is when we have a fight, he leaves, i call his cell, and NO ANSWER. voicemail. i call again - voicemail. and again - voicemail. if you want to do one thing to put me into a rage, it's not answer your phone. this is when i tend to cross the line and become so enraged that i may break things, hysterically cry and yell, and leave horrible voicemail messages. did he really deserve this? at the time i always think that he does. usually by the next day i realize that i was probably out of line, so i will text him. but what happens? he doesn't respond. probably because now he is angry with me. and because he is not responding, i become enraged again and the cycle continues.

abandonment

i have a real issue with abandonment. but i find it very weird because at times, i don't mind being alone. but i realize it's only when I choose to be alone. i do not handle it very well when others make that decision. i know i like to be in control of a lot of things and i think this is where that comes in. my boyfriend tends to "abandon" me a lot. now, i look at that as him being a horrible boyfriend, which leads to me constantly debating on why i am even with him. but then the rational side of me (yes, there is one) thinks maybe it's my BPD controlling that feeling. maybe it's not real or to the extent that i believe it is. can living with BPD be like having tricks played on you? is my BPD tricking me into thinking that he is abandoning me at times when he's not? we used to live together, but now we do not. so anytime he comes over and then proceeds to leave, my anger builds up and i become enraged to even think that he is leaving me alone at my house. but i guess that's what has to happen. he has decided he does not want to live with me at this time (due to past incidents, fights, etc.) so i guess i should just accept that. but no matter what i do, i just cannot accept that. whenever he visits, i usually try my very best to control my anger, but no matter what i do it just seems to escape me. it comes out of nowhere and that certainly scares him off. because of this, i am alone for many days after this type of incident.

a new life

my new life in this new city actually started out pretty good. i was making new friends, i was having new experiences, new places to go..it was great. my boyfriend was here and i was finally living the life i wanted. well as you can probably guess, that didn't last very long. eventually the "newness" of the place wore off and the friends began to disappear. i lost my closest friend due to an incident/disagreement and with that the others went with. my boyfriend and i were back and forth, on and off, which didn't help the situation at all. i felt all alone in a far away world with no one to turn to. i'm stuck here with no where to go and fearful that if i was to make the jump and leave again, i would end up in the same position i am in now. so here i am, in a place i call a "sh*thole", blogging away my life.. and i have to admit, it's already making me feel slightly better.

on the road

lets rewind back a couple years to life in my hometown. i had a few good years of good friends and good times. a couple of carefree years after the horrible teens. then it started to go downhill..maybe the party was just ending, but it seemed to come to a halt pretty quickly. people were moving on with their lives and it wasn't like i wasn't, but it seemed that everyone was moving on, away from me. close friends weren't so close anymore and i was becoming alone - the dreaded word for anyone with BPD. i still had a boyfriend - which i always did. they seemed to come one after another. i had never been without a boyfriend since i was 15 or so (probably on the basis that i didn't want to be alone). but the friends seemed to have gone. there were those friends that were more like "acquaintances" if anything..the ones you would see out and have a semi-phony conversation with to be polite. and if you saw them out drinking one night, they were your best friend again because well, they were drinking. but they were no one to rely on. after i had finished school and had no real reason to stay at home, i decided to move to a new city and take on a new adventure - a new life. i would make new friends, have new experiences, and be happy. well needless to say, that did not happen. i moved many miles away from home just to experience the same feelings that i felt at home.

realizing BPD

i always thought of myself as living with depression and anxiety (which i do), but now after some research, i realize it's more than that. i realize that i am living with BPD. i have had anxiety since i was little and by the time i was a teenager, i was on anti-depressants, which doctors told me would curb my anxiety. although, i'm sure after talking to some therapists, they realized i was depressed as well. after taking anti-depressants and visiting a therapist regularly during my teen years, i quickly stopped all treatment after a long-term boyfriend stated that this all made me "crazy" during one of our fights, which is the last thing you want to be called by your boyfriend when you're 19. so i announced to my parents that i didn't need the treatment anymore and away i went, free from drugs and therapist visits - pretending to have not a thing wrong with me at all. over the years, the boyfriends changed and none of them ever knew any details of my "troubles". now i have a boyfriend of almost 4 years and after a couple years, he became aware that something was "off" with me. he is not sharp enough (not trying to put him down - for lack of a better description) to realize that i may have some sort of disorder, let alone BPD. however, he has told me at times that i need to talk to "someone". i kept thinking to myself "been there, done that", but i was intrigued to do a little research. i knew there had to be something more to it than just depression and anxiety, so i hit up google and did some digging. and therefore, i discovered BPD.

about me

i think one misconception about BPD is that people who are NON-BPD think we are "crazy", but in fact i believe that you would not be able to pick me out of a crowd as being BPD or "crazy". i tend to put on an oscar-worthy performance when needed in order to mask the pain that i feel on almost a daily basis. i would consider myself to be an average person in public - average to above-average looking 20-something, intelligent, high-paying and respectable career, fun-loving and sociable.. although the last 2 characteristics are almost always acted. i believe that i could probably be a professional actress at times with the productions i put on - i completely wear the mask. although, i'm always wondering if people can see through the facade and see the real me - the sad, lonely, confused me.

an outlet

new to the blog world as of today, i started making a "fun" blog on some random things in my life. this turned out to bore me pretty quickly, so i decided to start a new blog on a more serious aspect of my life..living with BPD.

i should state that i am not "officially" diagnosed, but i have enough knowledge to diagnose myself, which so many of us tend to do when doctors fail to come to a proper or any diagnosis..

i've visited BPD forums and it's like the posters are telling stories from my life..so much to relate to. i hope that others will do the same with my blog posts. if there is one thing a BPD person needs is someone to relate to so that they know they are not..alone.