RAGE

i cannot believe how enraged i can get at the snap of a finger. the littlest thing can completely set me off. it's like something clicks inside of me and all of a sudden i'm the maddest i can be. i feel like i'm being suffocated and i can't breathe. my hands turn to fists and my nails are digging into my palms. i begin to sweat and overheat. tears come pouring down my face and my eyes become so swollen i can barely see. when this happens, all i want to do is curl up and die. my boyfriend has witnessed this reaction before. he doesn't know how to deal with it, so he just leaves. little does he know that leaving just makes the rage worse. as soon as he walks out that door i am ten times more enraged than i was a minute ago. i don't know what to do with myself or how to calm myself down. i have no one to talk to. i tend to chant to myself "i just want to die" as i usually lie on the floor trying to get grounded. at times i will end up passing out from all the commotion. other times, i will take pills to make myself drowsy and fall asleep so i do not have to live with the pain of the moment. things always seem to be better when sleeping and you wake up feeling better..until the next downfall.