abandonment

i have a real issue with abandonment. but i find it very weird because at times, i don't mind being alone. but i realize it's only when I choose to be alone. i do not handle it very well when others make that decision. i know i like to be in control of a lot of things and i think this is where that comes in. my boyfriend tends to "abandon" me a lot. now, i look at that as him being a horrible boyfriend, which leads to me constantly debating on why i am even with him. but then the rational side of me (yes, there is one) thinks maybe it's my BPD controlling that feeling. maybe it's not real or to the extent that i believe it is. can living with BPD be like having tricks played on you? is my BPD tricking me into thinking that he is abandoning me at times when he's not? we used to live together, but now we do not. so anytime he comes over and then proceeds to leave, my anger builds up and i become enraged to even think that he is leaving me alone at my house. but i guess that's what has to happen. he has decided he does not want to live with me at this time (due to past incidents, fights, etc.) so i guess i should just accept that. but no matter what i do, i just cannot accept that. whenever he visits, i usually try my very best to control my anger, but no matter what i do it just seems to escape me. it comes out of nowhere and that certainly scares him off. because of this, i am alone for many days after this type of incident.